Handbags at Dawn

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!...Well sort of. 

Last night’s episode of TOWIE saw the Ken-doll lookalike Joey Essex and weirdly camp-but-straight newcomer Ricky have an all out bitch-fight at the (re)launch party of Lauren’s salon. It seems that Joey was annoyed that Ricky called him a boy…

Even though Joey (21) is actually older than Ricky (20), I think given the circumstances, this comment was entirely forgivable. 

BECAUSE DOES A MAN WEAR THIS??

DOES A MAN SAY THIS?? 

DOES A MAN TAKE A WOMAN ON A DATE HERE?? (bike ride to local dump)

DOES A MAN HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THESE?? (Muppets)

Answer: NO

So why all the man-aggression Joe? Clearly some sort of male pride was wounded here and Joey felt the need to confront Ricky and “sort it aaat”, as they say in Essex. The result: one of the most camp fights I’ve seen since THIS

Talk about sexual tension. They both looked genuinely hurt that that other has gone behind their back and had a bitch. Ricky calls Joey a “don” and says “I love you down to the ground” (what does this mean??) At one point there were even cries of “Whack me up!” which one can only assume is an allusion to hand-jobs.

 “Wank me off” “No, YOU wank ME off”.

It’s only when Ricky goes to leave that Joey runs after him and throws a punch, before being swiftly thrown to the floor. At this point the camera turns off to give the impression that the fight escalated into a macho bloodbath of epic proportions. But do you really think they would turn off the cameras if it had been a good fight? These are the producers that thought watching Arg have his poo sucked out of him made good viewing (which it did, good call). This is my guess at what actually happened…as soon as the two boys hit the floor, they remembered they didn’t actually know how to fight, their clothes were getting dirty and really, it was getting near to bed time; Ricky had an important spray-tan in the morning and Joey had his weekly lesson on the alphabet. He had made it up to ‘K’ which his teacher said was good but that after 7 weeks it was important that they progressed a bit faster. They got up to their feet, dusted each other off and went home to eat some Dairylea Lunchables. 

The End