In Defence of Mario's Nose

It's a big nose, it's a wide nose, it's a beautiful nose and now my friends, it is a nose under siege. Last night war was waged against the glorious thing that is Mario Falcone's nose by the nasally challenged Diags. What made last night's vilification worse was that Falcone seems to have already thrown up the white flag by admitting (through Lucy) that he wants a nose job. 

Yes, maybe Mario would look a bit easier on the eye, a bit less juxtaposed with a smaller nose but this is absolutely no compensation for what is sure to be a devastating loss of character. Frankly Mario's nose is the only thing about him that even has any character; without it he would be just another arrogant, boring prick. You see, Mario's nose is not just a nose, it is a story, a heritage, a culture. It is a Roman nose, just like the greatest Roman himself, Julius Ceaser. He had a conk too but you never saw him crying about it. He wore it proudly on his face and was known to intimidate weaker enemies like the shrivelled and pale Diagus with it.

You dare to call me Big Nosed down the Sugar Hut?!

And Julius Ceasar is not the only powerful figure with a ginormous shnoz. There is also Napoleon Bonaparte, Lady Gaga, Rowan Atkinson, even the Queen herself.

In fact there is an old saying that a wide nose is a sign of wealth and that a big nose is a sign of a big dick. Sexy and rich? That is nothing to be sneered at and after admitting that he has bedded over 500 women, it clearly hasn't held Mario back. In fact I bet he seduced them using his nose. It definitely warrants a second glance at least doesn't it?

Perhaps it is just the Essex culture of homogenisation that Mario has fallen victim to. But Mario whereas you might be laughed at in clubs in Brentwood for your nose; know this, in Germany you would be heralded as a king...at the Big Nose World Championship (as long as your nose is at least 60mm long or 40mm wide).

And lastly Mario, you need to keep that nose if not for anything other than the reason that it may come in handy for sniffing out when your girl is up to mischief.

World Exclusive: Chezza's New Vid!

Joke! Sorry, that was just to lure you in. It is, in fact, only a teaser trailer for Cheryl Cole's hotly anticipated 'Call My Name' video which will be officially premiered on Vevo on May 2nd.

Unfortunately, the link to the teaser has disappeared from the internet but fortunately for you I am a master interpreter of images, so here is a basic run down: it begins with Chezza strutting slowly and seductively through what appears to be Greenwich foot-tunnel, wearing nothing but knickers and a blazer - presumably attempting the 'day to night' look. Occasionally she pauses to voraciously itch her back on the wall a la Baloo the Bear and after much pissing about, finally makes it out of the tunnel into an empty reservoir where she starts walking with more purpose. Where she is going and why, we have yet to find out.

A random quote by the Marquis de Sade pops up on screen;

'The only way to a woman's heart is along the path of torment'. 

Very mysterious and libertine-esq Chezza but did you know that this is a man who used to lock up young women against their will and abuse them sexually? Of course he would say that. My question is, why are you saying it? This is a man who inspired Ian Brady and who was sentenced to death for doing poppers and sodomising his manservant. If Chezza is planning on channeling this in her work then I am very excited to see the end result as this is pretty much unchartered territory for her. I await May 2nd with bated breath.

Sodom?

Ditch The Meat, Get More Sausage

Ever toyed with the idea of going veggie but just lacked the motivation? Did you ponder a life of couscous, lentils and margarita pizza and just think...nah? If saving animals, the environment or living longer are not enough to convince you to liberate yourself from your meaty shackles, try this compelling video made by Courtney Stodden. She puts forth a persuasive argument. Obviously somebody forgot to tell Courtney that tomatoes technically count as FRUIT but there is no denying the absolute power there is to be found in the image of a tomato with a dick.

The Many Faces of 'The Voice'

For a show which is centred around voices, The Voice has its fair share of faces and facial contortion. Admittedly, most of these come courtesy of the ever expressive Jessie J who has seemingly found alternative ways other than just using her VOICE to be irritating. Presumably for the hard of hearing - how inclusive. Here are a few of my favourite faces to date but as the competition hots up, I expect plenty more in the weeks to come.

Made In Chelsea Drinking Game

Take a shot any time someone says 'yar'.

This should be enough to get you sufficiently hammered.

Freak of the Week

Meet Venus Palermo. She is 15 and likes to dress up like a doll and pose like this, presumably for an audience of sweaty middle aged men. Freak!

Tulisa - Young

Have you seen Tulisa's latest video? No, not that one you pervert, her new music video for new song 'Young.' It's filmed in Miami and has a LOT of crazy shenanigans going on in it. Here is a basic run-down of the narrative...

Hola Miami! Tulisa in da house! What you reckon...too many bags?

Here is my buddy to come pick me up! But who is this bastard next to me? Now where will I put my bags?

 Fuck the bags 

Woo! It's time to get crazy wild! What shall we do? I know...

...Let's go rollerblading in the scabbiest bit of town!

Oh look! A random lamb!

Let's steal it! Hey, we're young! This is what young people do, right?

Little lamb, you are now our drugs mule.

Back to the hotel...this woman could NEVER be in our gang. She is too fat and unattractive and she is definitely not YOUNG.

So let's mug the bitch! Honestly don't worry gang, this is really normal where I'm from. Camden.

It was so worth it! Now we're in a moderately nice hotel room!

And I'm really really excited!

Oh, it's night already? We must have bounced around for ages! Quick, time to get ready for a BIG night out.

Hitler face! Oh wow we are so crazy! Must be because we are YOUNG.  I have SUCH a big night planned for us....

...In an art gallery! The best place to spend our youth!

JUST KIDDING! I  had you fooled then didn't I? We are actually here to do some serious vandalism.

Hold my glass slave. Oh, you though we were friends? LOL...no.

This is gonna be soooo funny!

Ta-da!

"I am seriously pissed off."

OMG! Can't believe I'm getting chucked out! (Hee Hee)

Damage done, now let's par-tay!

OMG Fazer! Who invited you? Awkward!

Oh sod it, come here you! (please don't sell any sex tapes of me!)

Party over, now it's time to get down and dirty...

Psyche! You thought I was going to do something sexual didn't you?! LOL! 

*Sigh*

Wow that was so much fun. I sure do love being YOUNG!

Note: It later emerged that Tulisa and friends were on many class A drugs during the filming of this video. During their 12 hour rampage through Miami, 'The Female Boss' was written on public property no less that 75 times. When police had caught up with the criminals, they were all found dead in a hotel room. Luckily a lamb was found alive, despite being extremely distressed. Police urge young people not to recreate what they see in this video.