The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...and The Fugly

A round up of noteworthy stories of the week.

The Good (part 1)

Niall Horan gets female attention!

WOOF WOOF WOOF!

What's that? It's the sound of the triumphant underdog as he victors over the other, more physically developed dogs in the hypothetical doggy boyband, 'Bone Direction.' In simple terms, it's the sound of Niall Horan, aka 'The Irish One' finally getting laid. Because let's face it, even though he's cute, he's nobody's favourite. Not here in the UK at least. In between Harry's bouncy barnet, Zayn's eyebrows, Liam's brooding looks and Louis's tight trousers, Niall always tended to get overlooked. It seemed as though he was set to be forever condemned as 'the one that nobody fancied' (along with the likes of Howie from Backstreet Boys, Chris from NSync and of course their supreme leader - Ant from Blue) and a future of alcoholism, expanding waistlines and guest appearances at student unions awaited him.

That is until One Direction hit America.

Because in America it is NOT self confessed pussy-lover Harry Styles who is capturing the hearts of teenage girls but lovely, clean-cut, PG-13 Niall. I guess everyone has their niche and Niall's just happens to be the whole of America. So well done to him. After all they say every dog has his day and every dog shall, eventually, get his bone.

The Good (part 2)

Totally Essex

News broke this week that Brian Belo (of former Big Brother fame) is suing the makers of TOWIE for nicking his idea. He claims that he actually came up with the premise for the hit show with his corny prototype, 'Totally Essex', as shown in the above video. Unfortunately the odds are against him as I'm sure anybody would have a hard time believing he has ever had a single coherent thought let alone one for a hugely sucessful money-spinner. In the meantime we have this video to laugh at. Check out Mark's hair and Kirk's dance moves!

The Bad

Cooking With Poo

She seems to have all the minor ingredients at hand, I assume just outside of the frame she is working on the final, and most essential, component.


The Ugly
January Jones Eats Her Placenta

I have never seen anything delicious come out of a human orifice (although, to be fair, I haven't  read 'Cooking With Poo' so who knows), yet January Jones has admitted to eating something that came out of her vagina. Why? Because the hippies have too much influence!! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. They say, "Come on it's natural, man. We're the only mammals who don't do it. Eating your placenta has so many wonderful, amazing benefits for a new mother, none of which I have any scientific evidence to prove BUT...you can't argue with nature, man." I saw a dog eat another dog's shit once and that is the reason I don't imitate 'nature'. Another reason is this photo of a placenta.

No thank you.

The Fugly

Morgan Freeman Marries His Step-Granddaughter

And finally...It deeply disturbs me to have to share this story with you. After the news that Bobbi Kristina is engaged to her adopted brother, Morgan Freeman has gone one step further and is rumoured to be marrying his step-granddaughter.

Take a moment to digest that.


Morgan Freeman Is Marrying His Step-Granddaughter.


I knew the world of dating was tough but is this what it's come to? Is the world really that small that we now need to turn within our own families for marriage? Does 'step' make it okay? No. No it doesn't.

Even if he wasn't a mega movie star and even if they weren't family; Freeman is 72 and his lovely bride to be is 27! It get's worse. They first had sex when she was 17. This defies logic and really I just don't know what to say. This is a man who played God in Bruce Almighty. However, in the wise words of Neil from The Inbetweeners, God spelt backwards is DOG. And what a dog.

TV Review: The Voice

The Voice has landed here in the UK and is set to compete with Britian's Got Talent in a ratings war that has failed to interest me. I have neither the time nor the emotional capacity to follow both so have opted for The Voice because it is new and because the one time I watched BGT there was a singing dog on it and to be honest, it couldn't even sing very well.

So the show starts with the judges...sorry... mentors coming on stage and singing together, making it very clear that unlike some other singing competitions *cough...X Factor* the people judging/mentoring the singers can actually sing too *cough...Cheryl Cole*. The collaboration between Jessie J, Tom Jones, wil.i.am, and someone who I later found out was lead singer of The Script was odd but point well made so proverbial hats off to them. 

I have to admit though, I'm still not used to Tom Jones being so...silver. And not just silver but silver and orange. It's an alarming colour combo but I'm sure old women still throw their knickers at him in the street so I doubt he's bothered. Plus the USP of this show is that it's not about looks, which is handy, not just for Tom but many of the contestants too. The idea is that it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from or what you look like, the only thing that matters is the MUSIC. Pretty deep stuff. However I was promised no sob stories and here my friends is where I felt I was seriously let down by the show because not only was there was a woman who suffered from Alopecia, there was someone whose mum had recently passed away, a young girl who got bullied at school and had only raindrops for friends and, most tragic of all, there was Sean from 5ive. It's not that these people don't deserve a chance, of course they do. It's just that I don't want to have to hear their sad story or see their tears. MY LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH AS IT IS. And like I said, I was promised. 

But nevertheless it was a good show; all the contestants could sing, there weren't any Wagners or Jedwards thank God; the mentors represent different styles of music so there were a good variety of songs from the contestants; and there was a sense of genuine (healthy) rivalry between the mentors as they competed for certain contestants (as opposed to the fake smack-talking found in other talent shows *COUGH X FACTOR COUGHHHH*). Tom Jones' argument generally always boiled down to, "But I'm TOM JONES" (fair point), will.i.am used a lot of name dropping and Danny (from the Script, remember) basically just pleaded and begged which was funny because clearly the contestants didn't have a clue who the hell he was either. Although I had my reservations about Jessie J before the show (on account of her being really f*cking irritating), she was, at best, bearable to watch (although I cringed so hard at her 'ridonculoso' comment, I thought my face would implode). 

I defy you not to find this annoying

Overall my favourite performances were from Max Milner, who sang a mash-up of The Beatles' 'Come Together' and Eminem's 'Lose Yourself' and J Marie Cooper who sang Jessie J's 'Mamma Knows Best' (both clips below) but the highlight of the show, for all the wrong reasons, was when Sean from 5ive auditioned.

Watching the once fresh and baby-faced sean, now a balding, chubby Northerner (although I'm assuming he always was), sing 'Trouble' by Coldplay was almost more depressing than hearing that Danny from Hear Say had ended up working in Tesco. He played piano and sang his weary little heart out but it just wasn't enough to impress the judges...sorry...mentors. Maybe if J had come out in the middle and bust a rap things would have panned out differently? Oh well, I guess it might be time to start looking to see if Tesco have any vacancies...

Max Milner

J Marie Cooper

Anyway, even though there seem to be a lot of confusing knock-out rounds ahead (cue plenty of headache-inducing wailing and 'singing for survival'), I am already hooked and will definitely be tuning in next week. Beats an off-key singing dog any day.

Get Sexy For Kony!

When Jason Russel uploaded a video on Youtube about Joseph Kony, he really did not think it through. I mean, what a snoozefest! It's full of sulking kids in Oxfam clothes, making me feel all guilty and shit, telling me what I should do in my spare time and well, the response reflects the lack of effort. Over 80mil Youtube views..pah, a farting baby gets more than that in a day; celebrity backing from the likes of Rhianna, Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian...who they anyway?? Invisible Children...more like Invisible Campaign!


During the video, I noticed a distinct lack of sex and here is where Invisible Children made their fatal flaw. Everyone knows the saying "sex sells" but were they also aware of the saying "sex saves lives"? What every charitable campaign clearly needs is more sex-appeal and one smart, smart lady knows it. Her name is Bree Olsen, she is a porn star and BOY is she super smart.

Despite a poor initial effort, I see that Invisible Children have finally caught onto the idea and have sent Jason Russel on his own saucy romp for Kony. Admittedly he took it a bit far with the masturbating but I guess the guy is just making up for the long 29mins he spent preaching when he should have been flashing the flesh and shaking that tush. 


He looks so pumped for Kony 2012 doesn't he?! Aww bless.

And the result? Everyone is talking about Kony! Sometimes all it takes is a porn star to really break it down for you I guess. Dehydration...yeah good try Jason! Malnutrition...pull the other one! I know your game you sly dog, its the launch of GET SEXY FOR KONY 2012 - a campaign we can all believe in.

There's something about Ana

Here is a photo of Jim Carey's new girlfriend; her name is Anastasia Vitkina, she's Russian and she's a student. On the one hand, she is a complete unknown, on the other hand there is also something strangely familiar about her that's hard to pinpoint...

What could it be? Is it those luscious curly locks, so reminiscent of Sarah Jessica Parker?

No, that's not it.


Perhaps her Taylor Swift-esq light blue eyes?

Nah


Her thin lips ala Kate Hudson?

Close, but no.

So what is it that makes Anastasia so darn familiar?? I mused over this question for approx  60 seconds before it hit me, right between the eyes and, incidentally, an inch above hers. Of course! Her forehead resembles that spiced meaty treat that is possibly for dogs, possibly for humans. Once you notice it, you'll feel so silly that you never noticed before. Here, spot the difference.

 

Spooky huh?