In Defence of Mario's Nose

It's a big nose, it's a wide nose, it's a beautiful nose and now my friends, it is a nose under siege. Last night war was waged against the glorious thing that is Mario Falcone's nose by the nasally challenged Diags. What made last night's vilification worse was that Falcone seems to have already thrown up the white flag by admitting (through Lucy) that he wants a nose job. 

Yes, maybe Mario would look a bit easier on the eye, a bit less juxtaposed with a smaller nose but this is absolutely no compensation for what is sure to be a devastating loss of character. Frankly Mario's nose is the only thing about him that even has any character; without it he would be just another arrogant, boring prick. You see, Mario's nose is not just a nose, it is a story, a heritage, a culture. It is a Roman nose, just like the greatest Roman himself, Julius Ceaser. He had a conk too but you never saw him crying about it. He wore it proudly on his face and was known to intimidate weaker enemies like the shrivelled and pale Diagus with it.

You dare to call me Big Nosed down the Sugar Hut?!

And Julius Ceasar is not the only powerful figure with a ginormous shnoz. There is also Napoleon Bonaparte, Lady Gaga, Rowan Atkinson, even the Queen herself.

In fact there is an old saying that a wide nose is a sign of wealth and that a big nose is a sign of a big dick. Sexy and rich? That is nothing to be sneered at and after admitting that he has bedded over 500 women, it clearly hasn't held Mario back. In fact I bet he seduced them using his nose. It definitely warrants a second glance at least doesn't it?

Perhaps it is just the Essex culture of homogenisation that Mario has fallen victim to. But Mario whereas you might be laughed at in clubs in Brentwood for your nose; know this, in Germany you would be heralded as a king...at the Big Nose World Championship (as long as your nose is at least 60mm long or 40mm wide).

And lastly Mario, you need to keep that nose if not for anything other than the reason that it may come in handy for sniffing out when your girl is up to mischief.

Handbags at Dawn

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!...Well sort of. 

Last night’s episode of TOWIE saw the Ken-doll lookalike Joey Essex and weirdly camp-but-straight newcomer Ricky have an all out bitch-fight at the (re)launch party of Lauren’s salon. It seems that Joey was annoyed that Ricky called him a boy…

Even though Joey (21) is actually older than Ricky (20), I think given the circumstances, this comment was entirely forgivable. 

BECAUSE DOES A MAN WEAR THIS??

DOES A MAN SAY THIS?? 

DOES A MAN TAKE A WOMAN ON A DATE HERE?? (bike ride to local dump)

DOES A MAN HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THESE?? (Muppets)

Answer: NO

So why all the man-aggression Joe? Clearly some sort of male pride was wounded here and Joey felt the need to confront Ricky and “sort it aaat”, as they say in Essex. The result: one of the most camp fights I’ve seen since THIS

Talk about sexual tension. They both looked genuinely hurt that that other has gone behind their back and had a bitch. Ricky calls Joey a “don” and says “I love you down to the ground” (what does this mean??) At one point there were even cries of “Whack me up!” which one can only assume is an allusion to hand-jobs.

 “Wank me off” “No, YOU wank ME off”.

It’s only when Ricky goes to leave that Joey runs after him and throws a punch, before being swiftly thrown to the floor. At this point the camera turns off to give the impression that the fight escalated into a macho bloodbath of epic proportions. But do you really think they would turn off the cameras if it had been a good fight? These are the producers that thought watching Arg have his poo sucked out of him made good viewing (which it did, good call). This is my guess at what actually happened…as soon as the two boys hit the floor, they remembered they didn’t actually know how to fight, their clothes were getting dirty and really, it was getting near to bed time; Ricky had an important spray-tan in the morning and Joey had his weekly lesson on the alphabet. He had made it up to ‘K’ which his teacher said was good but that after 7 weeks it was important that they progressed a bit faster. They got up to their feet, dusted each other off and went home to eat some Dairylea Lunchables. 

The End

The Only Way is Splat

Because she is annoying. Because she moans (and moans and moans), because without Mark she serves no purpose, but most importantly because its funny...here are some of photos of Lauren Goodger falling over for your viewing pleasure.

Oopsie!

 KAPOW!

Typical Lauren, always bringing down others 

This wasn't the way the night was supposed to end

This is at a petrol garage

"Just leave me alone, it's where I belong"

"Take this money and buy some nice Clarks"

And just to round things off nicely.....

Miaow