BITTY!

In my last post, I made a funny about Dappy wanting his 'bitty', (we all know the meaning of this yes? We all watched Little Britain yes? I don't have to spell out what "BIIIITEHHHH"means do I??)  and hilariously, Alex Reid has just stated in an interview that he intends on trying Chantelle's breast milk in what The Daily Mail are calling a 'gruesome confession.'

Gruesome?! Calm down DM, he hasn't said he wants to rip off her tit, eat it with chianti and fava beans then wash it down with the blood of a virgin, he is just a little curious that's all! Might I recommend some breast-milk ice-cream? Perhaps some breast-milk cheese, I hear it is delicious. Or if you are creative in the kitchen, you can find some excellent recipes to get your bitty fix HERE

Enjoy!

Handbags at Dawn

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!...Well sort of. 

Last night’s episode of TOWIE saw the Ken-doll lookalike Joey Essex and weirdly camp-but-straight newcomer Ricky have an all out bitch-fight at the (re)launch party of Lauren’s salon. It seems that Joey was annoyed that Ricky called him a boy…

Even though Joey (21) is actually older than Ricky (20), I think given the circumstances, this comment was entirely forgivable. 

BECAUSE DOES A MAN WEAR THIS??

DOES A MAN SAY THIS?? 

DOES A MAN TAKE A WOMAN ON A DATE HERE?? (bike ride to local dump)

DOES A MAN HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THESE?? (Muppets)

Answer: NO

So why all the man-aggression Joe? Clearly some sort of male pride was wounded here and Joey felt the need to confront Ricky and “sort it aaat”, as they say in Essex. The result: one of the most camp fights I’ve seen since THIS

Talk about sexual tension. They both looked genuinely hurt that that other has gone behind their back and had a bitch. Ricky calls Joey a “don” and says “I love you down to the ground” (what does this mean??) At one point there were even cries of “Whack me up!” which one can only assume is an allusion to hand-jobs.

 “Wank me off” “No, YOU wank ME off”.

It’s only when Ricky goes to leave that Joey runs after him and throws a punch, before being swiftly thrown to the floor. At this point the camera turns off to give the impression that the fight escalated into a macho bloodbath of epic proportions. But do you really think they would turn off the cameras if it had been a good fight? These are the producers that thought watching Arg have his poo sucked out of him made good viewing (which it did, good call). This is my guess at what actually happened…as soon as the two boys hit the floor, they remembered they didn’t actually know how to fight, their clothes were getting dirty and really, it was getting near to bed time; Ricky had an important spray-tan in the morning and Joey had his weekly lesson on the alphabet. He had made it up to ‘K’ which his teacher said was good but that after 7 weeks it was important that they progressed a bit faster. They got up to their feet, dusted each other off and went home to eat some Dairylea Lunchables. 

The End

DSK stands for DA SEX KING

Just when you thought it might be safe to approach old men again, Dominique Strauss-Kahn is at it again! Yup, for the umpteenth time the ol' dirty bastard has been caught with his pants down and his willy in places it legally shouldn't be. Only this time, instead of being an (alleged) rapist, the man who was once tipped to be running for French presidency, is (allegedly) head of a sex-ring.

But of course!


Admittedly, the way this has been worded (by those professionals at the BBC) has sensationalised the story a tad - he has been shagging prostitutes at sex parties and charging it all to a corporate account but I mean...this is just so funny. Head of a sex ring? I think that would make D.S.K a P.I.M.P.

If the shoe fits....

And DSK's line of defence is a corker. He maintains that he didn't realise he was having sex with prostitutes because all naked women look the same. LOL. He says, "I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute form any other naked woman."

Fair point Dom, however there is a subtle difference and in order to clear up any confusion and prevent this 'unfortunate misunderstanding' from happening again, I have made a helpful little guide that you can cut out and keep in your wallet...next to the condoms presumably (because a true pimp plays it safe).

Simples!

The Only Way is Splat

Because she is annoying. Because she moans (and moans and moans), because without Mark she serves no purpose, but most importantly because its funny...here are some of photos of Lauren Goodger falling over for your viewing pleasure.

Oopsie!

 KAPOW!

Typical Lauren, always bringing down others 

This wasn't the way the night was supposed to end

This is at a petrol garage

"Just leave me alone, it's where I belong"

"Take this money and buy some nice Clarks"

And just to round things off nicely.....

Miaow

Crack is the New Black

CRACK IS BACK FOLKS! And this time it's posh! Victoria Beckham is on crack - that is the rumour, now spread it.

Because with a face like that, how could she not be? Obviously VB has denied this, claiming she is 'tired' and 'overworked' and 'has a baby' but everyone knows these are the classic crack-addict excuses. 

So why crack and why now? The answer is so glaringly obvious. We all know that for a long time VB has been desperate to get tight with the fashion crowd and while this used to just mean wearing expensive clothes, being skinny and not smiling, as of late VB has been upping her game somewhat. Maybe because she knows she is running out of time or maybe because she knows the one thing she can't vomit into the toilet is her tasteless past. Remember those matching outfits, that tacky wedding, the extentions-and-orange-tan combo that kickstarted the entire WAG movement, the reality TV show that aired when exploitative relationships were merely a wee glint in Jordan's eye....all very high-profile, all very 'My Fat Gypsy Wedding'. 

So, like a geek who has decided to ditch their Lord of The Rings memorabilia to try and join the cool gang, Posh has tried to eradicate this past with an 'edgy' haircut, a clothes range, and more recently has so clearly bribed someone into making her the fashion ambassador for the UK. But this was clearly not enough, oh no! Finally, Posh realised what we all knew all along; that the path to being a true 'fashionista' is not carved merely with an eating disorder and an inflated ego, (because these are far too accessible), in order to be credible one must also possess that holy grail of fashion traits- no not casual racism-a drug habit (duh!)

Not convinced? I have compiled some evidence that I think you will find form a verrrrry persuasive argument.

Clandestine meeting with dealer, trying to look inconspicuous. "Motherfucker I need my high"

 Having her kids taken away from her. Restraining orders are like jewellery for crackheads.

Last but not least, the most convincing argument, her latest 'design'. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this was designed whilst in the midst of a crack rampage. No sober person would find this acceptable.

It is sad really but what these celebrities always fail to remember is that crack is a cruel mistress that can never be tamed. There is a lot of deep meaning behind the saying "Crack is Whack". So, who will crack claim next? I find the best technique to working it out is to find some photos of a celebrity looking tired and immediately jump to wild conclusions. Remember, it's NEVER tiredness and it's ALWAYS crack.