In Defence of Mario's Nose

It's a big nose, it's a wide nose, it's a beautiful nose and now my friends, it is a nose under siege. Last night war was waged against the glorious thing that is Mario Falcone's nose by the nasally challenged Diags. What made last night's vilification worse was that Falcone seems to have already thrown up the white flag by admitting (through Lucy) that he wants a nose job. 

Yes, maybe Mario would look a bit easier on the eye, a bit less juxtaposed with a smaller nose but this is absolutely no compensation for what is sure to be a devastating loss of character. Frankly Mario's nose is the only thing about him that even has any character; without it he would be just another arrogant, boring prick. You see, Mario's nose is not just a nose, it is a story, a heritage, a culture. It is a Roman nose, just like the greatest Roman himself, Julius Ceaser. He had a conk too but you never saw him crying about it. He wore it proudly on his face and was known to intimidate weaker enemies like the shrivelled and pale Diagus with it.

You dare to call me Big Nosed down the Sugar Hut?!

And Julius Ceasar is not the only powerful figure with a ginormous shnoz. There is also Napoleon Bonaparte, Lady Gaga, Rowan Atkinson, even the Queen herself.

In fact there is an old saying that a wide nose is a sign of wealth and that a big nose is a sign of a big dick. Sexy and rich? That is nothing to be sneered at and after admitting that he has bedded over 500 women, it clearly hasn't held Mario back. In fact I bet he seduced them using his nose. It definitely warrants a second glance at least doesn't it?

Perhaps it is just the Essex culture of homogenisation that Mario has fallen victim to. But Mario whereas you might be laughed at in clubs in Brentwood for your nose; know this, in Germany you would be heralded as a king...at the Big Nose World Championship (as long as your nose is at least 60mm long or 40mm wide).

And lastly Mario, you need to keep that nose if not for anything other than the reason that it may come in handy for sniffing out when your girl is up to mischief.